so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm too high and old for this...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
