A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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