i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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