Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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