and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
