Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
false alarm, still single
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
