I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i wish my penis had a tongue
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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