don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
