you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
