They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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