I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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