when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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