Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
