I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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