Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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