I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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