i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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