3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
