it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
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Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
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I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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