girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
