All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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