: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
