I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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