yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i dont even know how to be here
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
