I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
