Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
