this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
