idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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