I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
