Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
