I'm jealous of your bromance
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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