tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
