I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He shit in the fireplace
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