please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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