I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
