I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
