Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
