is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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