Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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