if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
