I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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