this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize