we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
