Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
porn star boner night. come get it.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
