Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
