After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
