At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
