I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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