i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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