Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
