I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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