had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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