My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
