I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
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