First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
