Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
