put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
