Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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