Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
