I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
