a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
