Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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